Okay, I have just prayed about how to start, what to write.
I filed for divorce on my wedding anniversary this year. That was a coincidence. At least I didn't plan it that way.
I love my husband, I loved being married but I felt like I was not being my authentic self. I didn't feel allowed to be. I moved out 2 weeks before Christmas which is not a good time to move but...I just got "done". After a few years of jumping up and down trying to get his attention, telling him what I needed and not being heard at all, watching my kids miss him when we all lived in the same house and watching his delusion and denile progress, I just had to choose to take care of myself and my daughter. I could not live in the anger and instability of our home. I think we just have different levels of honesty and define success differently. I wanted a partner and a present dad for my kids. Maybe his way is the "right" way but it hurt us. He always said he loved God first, his family next and our ranch last. Those were his words but if I turned the volume down and watched the movie and that isn't what his actions said. His actions said we barely made the top 5. I believe he loves us as best as he can with the light he has to see by. His example of marriage in his life have all been really ugly and bitter.
That is just a start and a breif synopsis of why I am here writing a blog on my journey through the pain of this divorce. Never, never did I dream I would be here. I value my covenant beyond words and I cannot do it alone. I know, thank God, that I can't change him so I am glad I am not in there for the next 10 yrs fighting and trying to manipulate him into being who I want him to be. I don't have that right and it would only serve to make me sicker. I had to choose to value me. I teach my daughters how to do relationships and if I don't value me how can I expect them to value themselves. It's just so sad. My heart is so broke and sometimes I feel like I will shatter if one more thing touches me.
Thank you God for my amazing women friends who let me throw up on them and they just show up for me and share their own experiance, strength and hope. I will get to the freedom of the other side and I know God's will for me is to be happy, joyous and free. I will not be a victim in this, though right now it is just so painful. Today and the last few days I have been so angry it seeps out of my pours.
I just am where I am and I will get where I am going in time. I will walk in love and forgiveness but rest assured....I am not there now. :)